Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Happy Birthday to my big brother! You are the only person on this planet I have known as long as I have known my parents.  You are significant to me.  Now, get the hell out of Omaha!

My dad can text!  I called my folks this morning to check in and left a vmail.  I got a text immediately, we are in a meeting, will call when over. Guess all parents should lose their old cell phone under the sea.

   

In addition to his party gene, I got my father’s “stream-of-conscious” style of writing.  Dad is dictating his fantasy baseball strategy and picks to mom (they’re still in Florida somewhere); she is typing snippets into an email on their new laptop and sending them to me.  I am editing and compiling into a Word doc so daddy and I can review tomorrow and prep me for the BIG NIGHT.

“Mom,” I asked, “why don’t you just type it into a Word doc or in Notepad and email that doc to me?”

“Lori, these people down here don’t know how to do this,” she replied.  I can just imagine her rolling her eyes at me.

“No, mom.  YOU.  Just open a word processing document or Word doc from your start bar, save it to your hard drive so you know where to find it and then type everything in there, saving it every couple minutes or so.”

Silence.

With exasperation, defensiveness and a tad of helplessness added she quacked, “What?”

“Never mind mom.  You’re doing just fine.”

Here’s a snippet of the notes.  See if you see a similar writing style:

This is my strategy for the 2011 fantasy baseball draft.

Lori B is going 2 B my rt arm & b my score keeper.

This strategy was very successful for me last year. I had 3 starting pitchers wear out & go down on me & my RP were a bust or might have won the whole thing. 

LET’S GET STARTED 

This is a numbers game; defense means nothing except for pitching.

Well?

For those of you not in the healthcare industry please know that giving 16 vials of blood at one time only equals four ounces.  That’s like two Tequila shots so not as much as you think you are spurting out of your vein.  Suzanne Somer’s Sexy Forever book – she is very smart BTW – details the necessity for women “of a certain age” to balance their hormones early, reject toxins of every kind and to test for food allergies and most importantly food sensitivities.  These, she says, are the major factors that cause women “of a certain age” to morph into the shape of a beer keg on legs.  I will be happy to give half of my body weight in blood to avoid this horrendous, natural - yet shunned by American Culture -occurrence to most women “of a certain age.”  I want to do what I can to be sexy forever! (Naturally, that is)

Speaking of sexy, I did 15 girl push-ups today and the plank position for like, 5 seconds.  I’m warming up to mustachioed Doris the trainer.

Mom got two books in the mail today – the mail carrier had to do the rubber band around the mailbox flag and mailbox door move to fit the books and everything else in.