Monday, October 03, 2011

I am obsessed with nose hair.  MY nose hair.

It all started with my dad’s eyebrows.  I was giving him a haircut and like a good barber trimmed his Andy Roonie eyebrows.  I couldn’t help but notice all the hair growing from his ears and not just from the inside; around the edges, too (kind of like Yoda or a Gremlin for fear of dating myself).  I tidied those up as well. Then I noticed a long, over an inch, white hair growing beside his nose.  Pluck.  Then I saw what appeared to be the legs of six black spiders sticking out of daddy’s nose, curling outside his nostrils as if it were the footing for their escape.  Good grief!

“Dad,” I asked, “Are you using the nose hair trimmer we gave you for Christmas?  Never mind, you have plenty of evidence that you are not.”

To which he replied, “I trim them when I see them.”

And that’s all it took.

I had great eyesight until 40.  Since then I have worn cheaters and due to my modesty will not reveal how many graduations of magnification I have experienced.  Nevertheless, I am farsighted without them.  Now I worry that a nose hair has sprouted into the daylight and I can’t see it.  Every morning before I apply my makeup I practically stretch open each nostril looking for potential embarrassment before it strikes.

The other day at my BFFs, her little girl told me it was impolite to pick my nose.  I told her I was plucking nose hairs and when she was my age she would have permission to pick at her nose, too.  My BFF gave me the stink eye.

I secretly use daddy’s nose hair trimmer. I carry little scissors in my purse in case I am attacked while I am out.  I scrutinize people’s faces and laugh to myself if their nose is not properly groomed, while I quickly test mine for protruders.  I’ve turned into a nose hair snob.  I can’t help myself.

I considered laser treatments.  I have acquaintances who have described the sting of a laser with the snap of a rubber band.  The first time I pulled out a nose hair I had a slight stroke, went blind in one eye and drooled.  I don’t think I can manage nostril laser hair removal….I suppose it could be an alternative for water boarding, though.

Now I’m thinking Nair.  Just in the thinking stage though.  The directions and cautions on the back of the label are too small for me to read and I can’t find my glasses.