Friday, May 18, 2012

Few people know this; my dad was the inspiration for the “Pig Pen” character in Charles Schulz’s Peanuts comic. I know this because through the smoky haze I see the driveway, front porch and every kitchen surface is perfectly set for the taping of the next episode of “Hoarders, Buried Alive.” Dad has arrived home safely. 

Evidently the trip home with my brother was a success because instead of disappearing immediately, my brother installed the FL purchased big screen TV as dad’s new computer monitor…to alleviate some of his Macular Degeneration sight impediments.  He also inadvertently unplugged the main phone jack as was discovered the next day.

“JESUS CHRIST LORI WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THE PHONE?”

“Beats me, dad, it rang off the hook while you guys were gone.”

“DID WE FORGET TO PAY THE GOD DAMNED BILL?”

“I don’t know, dad, I don’t pay your bills.”

“WHERE’S THE GOD DAMNED PHONE BOOK?  CALL THE GOD DAMNED PHONE COMPANY!”

Me, being plugged in just looked up “QWEST GOD DAMN IT” on line and dialed their customer service number.

Five dials to five different Quest numbers (I’m sorry to inform you, ma’am, your parents left us for Cox last year) and three dials to Cox later, the nice IT guy on the phone leads me to our main house connection where the cord is unplugged and laying on the floor.

I can understand why dad was a bit stressed because “THESE GOD DAMNED CELL PHONE COMPANIES AND CELL PHONES ARE USELESS!”

Seems dad cell phone was dead and the phone charge connector was damaged...unable to properly connect for charging.

“Dad, take the phone to Verizon and get it checked.”

“I ALREADY DID GOD DAMN IT– THEY SAY I NEED A NEW PHONE AND WANT TOO MUCH GOD DAMNED MONEY!”  I feel like I’m George Costanza on Seinfeld in a conversation with his dad.

“GO ON LINE TO EBAY AND SEE WHAT THEY WANT FOR A NEW VERIZON COMPATIBLE PHONE!”

“How will I know if it is a Verizon compatible phone, dad?  How much do you want to pay?  Do you want a plan-less phone or one that comes with minutes?  They don’t state of they come with batteries or not – do you think that brand-new-in-the-box means they come with a battery?”  I must have lost my mind there for a minute…

“JESUS CHRIST, GOD DAMN IT, HOW THE HELL SHOULD I KNOW?!”

I knew this. *sigh*

Dad stormed out to Wal-Mart and they set him up nicely. (Thank you Wal-Mart!!) In retrospect I should have accompanied him to check my blood pressure.

Mom and dad have two miniature schnauzers, Duke and Daisy, who last summer were infested with fleas from the backyard.  To save money, the folks applied OTC flea remedies that did nothing and consequently the poor things suffered until the first freeze.  That the house did not get infested is beyond me.  Dad returned them to Omaha re-infested, way overdue for a haircut and with poop stuck to their butts.  I might have missed the poop part except that Duke laid down an impressive three-foot long skid mark on the light blue carpet in the family room.  If it were not for that, I would have SMELLED him.